Sugar-Coated Daydreams
This week I made a life decision. A decision that took months of consideration, contemplation, and reflection. A decision that will, in many ways, alter the course of my life forever.
This week I quit graduate school.
Somewhere along the way I lost my passion for physics. Sometimes I wonder if I even had one at all. I love science in the way a child loves science--it's full of mystery and the unexplained. There is something inherently magical about it, like why magnets stick to the refrigerator or how paper airplanes can fly across the room. I loved learning the simple and elegant explanations for the everyday physics in my life.
But when physics broke down into equations full of Greek symbols and endless computer programming (as it invariably will), my curiosity was lost. The magic was gone. There was a disconnect from the wonder I experienced as a child and the reality of the situation I was in now. I was not enjoying what I was doing. I didn't want to do this for another five minutes, much less the rest of my life. I was positively miserable and outright unhappy.
And then something clicked.
I didn't have to do this to myself. It sounds obvious, right? But when you are so far down the rabbit hole, it isn't. I had thoughts of dropping out of school, but they were nothing but the far off fantasies of a good daydream--just out of reach and reality. But this time, when the light bulb flashed above my head, I realized this could be my reality. It wasn't out of reach. It was real and tangible and the appeal was so strong I could scarcely think straight. I am going to quit graduate school. I am going to pursue something I am passionate about. It was the most beautiful thought, the most significant mantra, I had ever felt or believed.
At the same time my misery in physics grew, my passion for food and baking flourished. I spent my lunch hours poring over food and photography websites. I longingly daydreamed up new recipes in meetings. I sketched detailed 3-tiered wedding cakes during lectures. My coworkers were fed hundreds of dollars worth of various treats. I spent an (embarrassing) large amount of time with this website. My heart had been completely captured by baking, sweets, and desserts. There was no turning back. Butter and sugar are going to be somewhere in my future, I knew that much.
I think we sometimes fit ourselves into molds. These molds can come from our current circumstances, family or friends' expectations of us, or expectations we have for ourselves. In my case, it was a combination of all three. I had an idealistic view of who I thought I should be instead of who I actually am. I was forcing myself into a mold that wasn't right for me. I didn't fit and I was miserable because of it. I was never meant to be an astroparticle physicist and that's okay.
It is absolutely okay to try something, to give it an honest shot, and realize that it isn't right for you. For some reason, our society frowns upon this. Quitting has been given such negative connotations. Society immediately wants to equate you with being a "failure" or "disappointment," which is not a true or fair assumption. I believe it is more honorable to quit something that makes you truly miserable and focus your energy towards something that might just make you happy. There is nothing particularly virtuous about sticking it out to the bitter, bitter end months or years from now.
After such a drastic career change, I find myself comforting others more than myself. You don't have to feel sorry for me. You don't have to apologize that it didn't work out. You don't have to worry about my future. And please, oh please, don't you lament to me that I'm making a "big mistake." Everything will be okay. Trust me.
Life decisions can be a mixed bag of emotions (and that is the understatement of the year). But they can also be such a source of relief, of happiness, and of excitement. The world feels brighter and a lot less gloomy. And, best of all, I no longer have to pretend that I am someone I am not. I'm sick of pretending. I've done enough pretending for a lifetime. Though I still have moments of absolute terror in which I wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, I have never been more excited about my future. So, world? Bring it on. I'm ready.
Reader Comments (40)
I am so happy for you!!
Ever since I have found this fantastic blog of baking, I have developed the motivation to try out some of your recipes, and honest to god, I loved everything I've made so far. And in terms of your life epiphany, I know exactly where you're coming from and I completely agree about the cookie-cutter expectations we all have to overcome at some point, even though we're filled with the guilt of knowing we might disappoint someone. But somewhere down the line you realize that by keeping yourself passionate about something will inevitably bring you more happiness than by pursuing a road that has already been mapped out for you by someone else.
Good luck with everything, I'm still an avid follower of your blog and intend to be throughout my exchange in Amsterdam :)
Congratulations are in order!! What you did was a very hard and courageous thing! I too became disillusioned, but it was after school, and after having spent two years of my professional life toiling away in the corporate world. At first, I felt as if I had given up, as if I had quit. (I have always been fiercely independent and never a quitter!) As if I was a failure. As if I had let my parents down who had so graciously paid for undergrad and another degree on top of that. I realized after much worry and quite possibly the hardest couple months I've ever had to go through that it was none of the above. What people consider as the social norm of going through school and in four years magically knowing what it is your're supposed to do with the rest of your life is a big crock of poo. Being in your early 20's is about figuring it out, trying things out, making mistakes that turn into invaluable experience, and eventually finding your way! I say cheers to the people who gave it their best, who went down a path with great conviction, realized it wasn't their cup of tea, and used that same conviction to bravely move on. I know I gave it an honest shot (and it sounds like you did too!) and as you said there is nothing particularly virtuous about sticking it out. I do not want to stick it out, I want to live it up! 1 year later, I'm still figuring it out, and I would never trade the uncertainty (it is a gift!) for the utter misery I felt crunching numbers all day. Your blog is an inspiration- something truly special you have created...it's obvious you've got the passion and the talent-run with it! :)
Congratulations on pursuing your passion! Everyone should have your courage and self-awareness that sometimes your path changes.
I quit Grad School exactly a year ago, best decision I ever made, for essentially the same reasons you give although I havn't been able to articulate them that well, good luck!
Congratulations on pursuing real happiness Kris, I admire your courage and your emotion for what you are planning to start. I specially love the way in which you talk about this situation while you mix it with some awesome pictures. You are definitively talented!
All the best! :)
Remember think always about you first. It is your life.
Congrat's!! I couldn't agree with you more on everything you have said. Fitting into our "molds" that people set or we set for ourselves can really get in the way of where the true talent lies. Baking is your passion and I commend you for chasing after what you love!
Good for you!! I'm glad you had the guts to make that decision! And I look forward to more yumminess on the blog.
Wonderful post. Congratulations to you on grabbing a hold of your life and deciding to enjoy it. We are on this planet for just a blip of time, and it's an absolute crime to waste one minute of it doing anything other than what we love. What we are passionate about.
It almost seems wrong to say you quit one thing, when what you really did was begin something else...something awesome!
I love your blog and I look forward to many more delicious updates! :) Aimee
I'm very proud of you Kristin. You are an amazingly talented young lady. I love your website and I enjoy reading your blogs. You have a way with words and your photography is wonderful. I know you will find your place in life, in the future doing what you truly love -I've no doubt. Have you ever thought about writing a book of some kind?? I love reading your little stories.
I know the family missed you at Thanksgiving. It will be nice that you will be home for Christmas. Take care of yourself, and keep doing what makes you happy!!!
Love you - Aunt Shelly!!!
Congratulations on choosing to follow what makes you happy! You sound like an amazing person and I know for sure you are a brave one! You are right, everything is going to turn out just fine.
We are very proud of you, not an easy decision.
YOU GO GIRL.
I just stumbled across this blog. Amazed by your baking, awed by your photography and writing, inspired by your choice to pursue your passion. Keep going. Don't stop!
Congratulations! You are obviously very talented -- talented enough to make a living with food. Best of luck...everything always works out in the end.
Kristin - I'm so happy that you decided to make the right decision for yourself. I've always lived by this "you can't make others happy, if you yourself are not happy"! Don't ever worry about what other people think and it sounds like your not afraid and that is a huge step most people are not able to make because of the fear of what others will think. YOU ARE SO TALENTED and many people envy your talent! Stay strong girl!~
Who the hell would take shrodinger's equation over chocolate cake anyway ?!
You made the right decision !
Wow, I wish I didn't go to grad school (math). Now I'm all done with nothing to show for it but a lousy piece of paper!!! It seriously hasn't helped me find any kind of work, and I hated every minute of it. When I read your post I could feel what you must have been going through. I hope things work out for you. You have such a positive attitude and that's so important. I've been beaten down so much in the past two years that I don't have any of that left. Good luck!
I have a question to ask you:
How are you doing so far in the pastry world? Have you attended culinary school? Are you catering? Let me know how you're doing, because you are an inspiration.
I wasn't passionate about my degree either. But I realized being miserable all day wasn't doing myself any favors (I would take out my attitude on those I loved so they didn't like it much either). It was tough to tell family and friends (and my parents did take a month to let the idea sink in), but everyone has been very supportive! Turns out no one really wished misery upon me.
It took me about a month to find a job in a bakery and I love it! I'm also in my early 20's (and therefore quite poor) so I've decided to work in the industry for a year or two to save up for culinary school. I haven't regretted the decision of changing careers; it was the right choice for me. I love waking up and going to work everyday.
I've looked at your website and you have so much potential! Let me know if you decide to take the plunge. It is hard to do (and you might find yourself wondering what the hell you are doing), but that feeling passes and relief and happiness fill its place. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision!
Thank you for your encouraging post. Best of luck to you!
P.S. I'm totally adding you to my blog roll. Definitely want to keep up with you.
Lots of love and luck,
Pratiksha
I stumbled upon your blog and absolutely love it! I've spent a lot time browsing, scratch that- wasting time, reading blogs and this is the very first one I've felt compelled to comment on. Your writing style is just amazing and you can count on me being a faithful follower ;). Keep up the great work!!
I'm glad that you're still doing well at this. Grats, man.
In other news, I love your blog and I love to bake. Thanks for being awesome.
THank you for sharing your story!
...also working on my blog...
...also in early 20s...
...also looking for a job in bakery...
...also from Canada...
Glad I'm not alone that made a tough decision